PLA Issue #40: Colleen Card’s Unauthorized PLA

Written by Colleen Card on September 28, 1996

Since RBCP is so lazy and doesn't want to write anymore PLA I've decided, in
the spirit of dhate, to release my own issue of PLA once again against RBCP's
will. My issue will be even less useful than his are because I've written very
little to do with phones or computers. Oh yeah and since RBCP thinks he's
too manly to do it himself, I suppose I'll have to be the one to announce
the birth of our daughter Emily which happened nearly five months ago.

Oh the joys of motherhood are tremendous. Laundry, dishes, feeding the baby
and changing diapers. RedBoxChiliPepper sure has his work cut out for him.
Meanwhile I'm trying to educate little Emily. We're starting out easy with
red boxes, but she just keeps drooling on the circuit board. We have high
expectations for her though and are hoping she'll be the first Phone Loser
that actually knows how to do anything.

So if you'd like to read something technical, go build something and send us a
submission. We aren't bright enough to do it ourselves. But if you are looking
for tons of laughs we do recommend Calvin & Hobbes.

In other news, Nekid Amy of PLAGIF07.GIF had sex at Defcon in somebody's bed,
shower and on their floor. To protect the innocent we won't be releasing
victim's name but if you ever attend another con stay away from this nappy
bitch. Rumor & speculation suggests she's carrying more variations of VD that
any human being has ever endured and that touching her will make you die
instantly. Being in the same room only makes you nauseated so that's why
Defcon wasn't as cool as it usually is. Secret sources indicate that after
infecting the entire Granite City, Illinois area, she's moving on to 303.
Be careful.

I hope you enjoy this issue and check out our web page because RBCP thinks
it's neat and if you don't agree with him his feelings get hurt. So visit
http://www.peak.org/~bueno/pla.html and don't tell him how much it sucks. He's
sensitive. I'm also starting a new page called Colleen Card's Coupon Craze at
http://www.peak.org/~bueno/colleen/coupon.html beginning in October where
you'll be able to get a great bargain on some stunning PLA merchandise. Impress
your friends, get grounded by your parents and all that. 4 out of 5 hackers
agree that our t-shirts aren't quite as lame as erikb's MOD-LOD shirts but
pretty damn close.

A New Life For All!

Working 9 to 5 and getting nowhere? Does it seem like you never have the time
to accomplish your goals for a brighter future and a stronger psyches? Do you
believe someone should be required to cook and provide all of your meals for
you? Are you tried of maximum work for minimum wage and having no health care
or even being able to afford cable TV or cigarettes?

A L L T H I S C A N B E Y O U R S !

At our facilities we take care of our guests. Room, board and three hot meals
a day. We provide outdoor activities, have an extensive library and numerous
athletic facilities. A structured environment where you can even continue your
education!

How can I have all this? All it will cost you is your dignity. So go out and
commit a federal crime. Live on the edge, do bad things, hack into hundreds of
out-of-state systems without covering your tracks, make threatening interstate
phone calls to the president and get back what you've put into uncle sam today.

Paid for by the Lets Throw Everybody In Jail So The Government
Can Have Complete Control Like The Commies Party Party.

Kitchen Improvised Peanut Butter & Jelly

Ready for some real anarchy? Read this file and follow the instructions.
You'll never be the same again. I, Colleen Card, am not responsible for the
outcome of this article. You are acting on your own will and I cannot be held
responsible for your actions if anyone gets hurt or the police come knocking.
Use common sense.

Ingredients:

  • (1) Plate (glass preferred, but paper will work)
  • (2) Slices of bread (generic is fine)
  • (1) jar of Skippy peanut butter
  • (1) jar of jelly
  • (1) spoon (make sure the scoop is concave)
  • (2) butter knives (do NOT use a sharp knife - you'll get grounded)

    An optional accessory would be a glass of milk but there's no need to get
    fancy because it won't last long. Most of these supplies and Ingredients can
    be obtained through a local grocery store or Army surplus shop. I would have
    included a chemical equivalency chart but space didn't permit.

    1) Set the plate down on a smooth surface. The kitchen counter will work just
    fine but if you're sloppy (i.e. have never does this before) you'll have a
    mighty big mess to clean up.

    2) Set the two slices of bread on the plate next to each other facing
    opposite directions. If you have them going the same way they won't fit
    together correctly in the end and you'll end up having to start over and
    waste all that product.

    3) Pop the lids off both the jelly and the peanut butter. This is usually
    done by twisting the lids counter-clockwise but some brand names open
    differently. Consult the instructions on the top of the lid if you have any
    problems.

    4) Use the spoon and take one heaping scoop of jelly out of the jar. SET THE
    PEANUT BUTTER OFF TO THE SIDE so that you don't accidentally drip any jelly
    into it. Using the spoon, carefully set the jelly onto one slice of bread.
    Using one of the knives, spread the jelly evenly all over the slice being
    careful not to drip any over the edges.

    5) After securing the lid to the jelly and setting it off to the side, take
    your peanut butter and use the second knife to take a scoop out of the jar.
    DO NOT attempt to use the same knife you used for the jelly even if you've
    washed it off really good. This could contaminate the peanut butter rendering
    the rest of the jar useless. Use the knife to spread peanut butter over the
    surface of the second piece of bread. Basically use the same technique as you
    did with the jelly but you'll notice the texture is a little different.

    6) Okay, the easy part is over with, now for the difficult stuff. Make sure
    you're in a well-lighted area so that you don't screw this part up. Chances
    are that you won't get it right the first time. Don't be discouraged, just
    start over. Take the slice of bread containing the peanut butter by the far
    edge and flip it over on top of the slice with the jelly so that the jelly
    and peanut butter mix. Carefully adjust the top slice so that the edges are
    even with the bottom slice all the way around.

    Okay, that's it & you've done it! It might be a good idea to push the whole
    thing towards the center of the plate to reduce the risk of the plate tipping
    over if you decide to pick it up. Hope that you get plenty of use out of this
    as us here in the PLA have.

    Police Log

    Below is a police log that an old friend sent me last year. He says that he
    was so smashed this night that he doesn't remember a thing that happened and
    just woke up in jail one day. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

    CHARGE: BAIL:
    Burglary I $5500.00
    Kidnap II $5500.00
    Att. Burglary I $5500.00
    Criminal Mischief II $1000.00
    Criminal Mischief II $1000.00
    Criminal Mischief II $1000.00

    SUMMARY:
    On 01/01/xx at about 0438hrs Michael Simms was arrested on Burglary I, Kidnap
    II and other charges when he broke into 16053 SE Stark St. #146, Portland,
    Robert and Margaret Etten's residence.

    ACTION TAKEN:
    On 01/01/xx at about 0422hrs Sgt. Shingles and I were dispatched to a
    disturbance of an unknown person pounding on the door at 16053 SE Stark St.
    #146, Portland.

    We arrived and began getting multiple reports of someone pounding on doors.
    Then we got a report that the person had broken a window and made entry into
    one of the apartments.

    Sgt. Shingles found Michael Simms crouched down attempting to hide by the
    apartments. I went to meet them. I observed that Simms was soaking wet and
    very muddy. I saw that his hands were cut and bleeding.

    I detained Simms and read him his Miranda rights from a prepared card. I
    asked him if he understood his rights and he said, "yes."

    I smelled a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on Simm's breath. I saw that
    his eyes were red and watery. He had difficulty standing & staggered when he
    walked.

    Sgt. Shingles found that apartment #146 had been burglarized. He contacted
    the residents Mr. and Mrs. Etten. They told him someone had broken the
    kitchen window and came into their apartment.

    Sgt. Shingles took Simms by the victims' window to see if they could
    identify him. Mrs. Etten said that the man was definately the one that had
    been in their apartment. Mr. Etten had moved to a different window to look
    out and didn't see the suspect.

    I observed that there was glass all over their kitchen from the broken window
    in the kitchen. I saw that the kitchen window faced the back of the apartment.
    I observed dirt on the kitchen floor. There was blood on the refrigerators.

    I saw that outside the back of the apartment was the kitchen window screen. I
    observed that it was all cut up and had holes poked in it. There was a large
    wooden cupboard on the back porch that had been knocked on its side. There was
    also dirt on the read door and a foot print. The screen door was open and
    had not been damaged.

    Deputy Guider took pictures of the damage to apartments #144, #145 and #146.
    He took statements from witnesses and wrote a special report. I took the
    window screen as evidence. I also seized a black kershaw knife and a screw-
    driver from Simms as evidence. I gave Simms a receipt for his property.

    STATEMENT - MARGARET ETTEN:
    Mrs. Etten told me she thought she hear an explosion. She told me she thought
    it was because of New Year's Eve. She said that she looked out of her bedroom
    window and saw a bush moving all around.

    Margaret told me she heard a pounding and a crash. She said she looked in the
    kitchen and saw glass all over. She told me she tried to call the Health Center
    but must have dialed the wrong number.

    She said, "I was scared. I looked up and saw him standing there." She told me
    Bob, her husband, tried to call 911. Margaret said the man took the telephone
    receiver off the hook and put it on the desk. She told me Bob started for the
    door but the man stopped him. The man was showing them the phone off the hook
    but saying "This is the door, don't open the door or they will come and get
    me."

    Margaret said the man was in the house a good long time. She said he went into
    the bathroom and turned on the light. She told me he combed his hair and
    turned on a "blower."

    Margaret told me the man was raving and rambling. She said he wasn't making
    any sense. She said he said leave the phone right there. He pointed at the
    phone and was saying that's the door, don't open it.

    She told me she absolutely identified the man that we brought by her window.
    She said that there is no question that he was the man in their apartment.

    STATEMENT - ROBERT ETTEN:
    Robert told me he heard a great pounding. He thought someone was working next
    door because they had been doing some remodeling there. Then he said there was
    a big crash. He told me he was walking out and came around to the kitchen. He
    saw a man standing in their house.

    Robert Etten said the man was pointing out towards the back and saying,
    "That's it over there." Robert said that the man was trying to say the problem
    was over there and wasn't him. He said that the man was incoherent in his
    talking. He told me he could hardly understand him.

    Robert said the man wanted him to do something but he didn't know what. He
    said his wife tried to call the health center and he called 911. Robert said
    the man was at least 6ft tall. He said we just obeyed him we didn't argue with
    him. He said, "Boy did he tear the place up."

    Robert told me the man took the phone off the hook. The man told him to leave
    it like that and don't touch it or they will get me. Robert said the man
    didn't want him to go to the door. When he went to the door, the man said
    "This is the door," (as he was referring to the telephone). He told him not to
    touch it or they would come and get him.

    Robert said he unlocked the front door but didn't open it. He said he knew the
    cops were coming. He told me he didn't argue with the man. Robert said he
    noticed the man was slurring his words and didn't make any sense. He told me
    the man went in the bathroom and came out.

    He said that the man wanted him to push III on the telephone. He told me he
    just did it but didn't know why. Then the man tried to push the buttons himself
    and just pushed a lot of buttons. The man crawled back out the kitchen window.

    STATEMENT - MICHAEL SIMMS:
    Michael told me that he maybe fell into a window. After that he denied
    breaking a window. He kept telling me to look at the blood on his hands so I
    could tell it wasn't from the window. He also said that just because there was
    blood on his hands that didn't prove he broke the window.

    He said he saw cops. He said, "I'm not stupid." Then he wouldn't explain what
    that meant. He told me he was walking through and a bunch of cops were
    questioning him and arresting him. He said, "I didn't steal anything." He
    said, "For all I know I should be sitting in Detox."

    When I told him witnesses had identified him, he said that the witnesses were
    probably a bunch of old people. He said, "I don't know anything, what the hell
    happened.", "I did not break into an old folks home and break a window."

    Then at the jail he said that there was probably someone else there that did
    it. He said that if there was someone else then maybe it was this one guy but
    he didn't know his name.

    EVIDENCE:
    1 knife
    1 screwdriver
    1 window screen

    Horoscopes

    TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20: You are a stubborn buttface. You should be nice and
    do what everyone tells you to do.

    GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20: You are psychotic and have multiple personalities.
    On the 20th the moon will rise to the day and make the night conflict. Buy
    mass quantities of Snickers bars this week.

    CANCER JUN 21 - JULY 22: The planets urge you to turn off your computer and
    go talk to a girl. On the 11th you might have a threesome assuming you're not
    a fat slob with zits on your butt. If the later is true, buy a PLA t-shirt.

    LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22: You have a big mouth. If you have blonde hair, dye it
    brown. Your mom feeds you too much cheese-whiz. A mysterious transvestite
    will msg you if you get an account on AOL this month.

    VIRGO AUG 23 - SEPT 22: The fruity-ass motherfucker formation of the planets
    will compel you to read recent back issues of Phrack and order lots of
    t-shirts from erikb. Wearing one of his stylish LOD-MOD t-shirts will create
    financial rewards and maybe cause you to get lucky. (Yeah, right, with Nekid
    Amy maybe.)

    LIBRA SEPT 23 - OCT 22: If your parents go out of town on the 15th, you may
    get to watch the Porno Channel if you can figure out how to hack the parental
    control unit on top of the set. If not, the formation of the stars may allow
    you to play with Rosey Palmer & her five sisters.

    SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21: Take a deep breath and keep anxieties to yourself. The
    new moon of the 17th will result in the completion of a working red box and
    maybe the loss of a few pimples.

    SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21: Many Reeses peanut butter cups are in your near
    future. Work & money claim most of the archer's attention this month. If
    problems persist, take your frustrations out on the OCI operators. Their
    number is 1-800-288-2880.

    CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20: Mars & Sun will bring job success to your future.
    All you need to do is fill out the application at McDonald's.

    AQUARIUS JAN 21 - FEB 19: This month begins with the moons coinciding with a
    federal raid to your apartment. Don't bother encoding all your valuables
    because you will be released when the FBI's janitor accidentally throws away
    your notebook full of codes.

    PISCES FEB 20 - MAR 19: Venus's fourth moon on it's fifth rotation on the 17th
    at the east-west polar axis compel's you to order many songs from the
    automated Send-A-Song service by dialing 1-800-272-7664.

    ARIES MAR 20 - APR 19: We are such stupid losers that we can't think of anything else to write so consult the anarchy files on your local bbs to learn
    how to make a fake ID, changing your birth sign from Aries to one of the
    others above.

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  • 1 Response

    1. Colleen Card says:

      You should have cooler stuff like the “Feed Kevin Mitnick Campaign” on here. He’s still too skinny and needs candy! (Damn Kosher food.)

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