Here's a bunch of phone call transcripts that I typed up simply because I have
no life to speak of. Most of them are actual calls, typed straight from a
cassette tape but a few are just made up, something I did to kill time on a
rainy day. The made up ones are pretty obviously made up, as they include
operator suicides and police raids on phone booths.
AT&T: "This is the AT&T operator, may I help you?"
RBCP: "Yeah, I want to use my credit card to bill this call."
AT&T: "Please hold while I get an operator who can validate your card."
RBCP: ".........Hello?............Hellooooooooooo??....Hey, operator, what,
you get drunk and fall off of your chair or what?"
AT&T: (Irritated) "If you'll wait just a minute, sir, I'm getting someone here
who can validate your card."
RBCP: "Well, geez, it's taking you long enough. Don't you know you're not
supposed to drink on the job?"
AT&T: (New operator) "This is AT&T, what kind of card will you be using?"
RBCP: "It's a MasterRoy."
AT&T: "Excuse me?"
RBCP: "MasterRoy. You know, Master the possibilities? The universal credit
card? No other card more accepted on the planet?"
AT&T: "You mean Mastercard."
RBCP: "Well, it's from the bank in Roy, New Mexico and they call it a
MasterRoy. They're pretty silly people, aren't they?"
AT&T: "Could I have the expiration date, please?"
RBCP: "Yes, it's 13/97."
AT&T: "What's that?"
RBCP: "The expiration date is 13/97."
AT&T: "That can't be right, sir."
RBCP: "Well, the kid who put my card together at the Roy Bank was new and I
think he made a misprint on my card. It's probably supposed to say
AT&T: (I hear her hitting the buttons harder, as if in frustration.) "Thank
you for using AT&T. Your call is completing."
AT&T: "AT&T, Operator 4592. How were you wanting to bill your call, sir?"
RBCP: "I want to charge it to my home phone. My number is 618-258-1160 and my
name is Darin McCall."
AT&T: "Just a minute......Sir, the man on the other line says that HE is Darin
RBCP: "Hmmm...Maybe that's because I just picked his name at random out of the
phone book and I'm trying to call my friend in Austraila and bill it to
AT&T: "You can't do that. Obviously, it doesn't work."
RBCP: "Yes it does work, actually. About every third try it seems to work. You
see, usually the wife will answer and she'll think it's her husband
trying to make a legitimate phone call."
AT&T: "You'll be caught, though, sooner or later."
RBCP: "And if the third number billing doesn't work, I'll simply use one of
the stolen calling cards I've obtained or perhaps a business's PBX
AT&T: "I hope you get caught."
RBCP: "I won't. I wrote down your operator number you gave me and I know how to
get your name from that. If you don't start being nice to me, I'll
charge some calls to your house. You can't stop me, you know."
AT&T: "Fuck you, you little bastard."
Then she hung up. I swear, some operators just have absolutely no sense of
humor at all. I was just trying to make her job a little more exciting. I did
feel sort of bad when I saw the news that night and found out that she had
tried to hang herself shortly afterwards with her operator headset.
AT&T: "AT&T, Please deposit 80 cents for the past three minutes."
RBCP: (I take a handfull of coins and jingle them next to the mouthpiece.)
"You hear that? I've got all this money and I'm not giving you one damn
AT&T: "Oh, well THAT'S fine with me, I'll just bill it to the number you
RBCP: "Hey, go ahead, buster. I was harassing those people anyways. I'll be
even better if they get a bill for it.........Well...hmmm, I guess maybe
I can give you a little money. Here's fifty cents..." (beepbeepbeepbeep)
AT&T: "Sir, it has to be real coins, not a recording. Do you want me to turn
you in to security right now?"
RBCP: "That's not a recording, it's a red box! They're electronicly produced
coins. Learn to tell the difference, you shmuck."
AT&T: "Okay, let me turn you in to security right now....."
SUPR: "This is the supervisor. Can I help you?"
RBCP: "Gee, that's funny. He told me that he was getting security but all I
get is a lousey low-life supervisor. What do you want?"
AT&T: "Sir, 80 cents."
RBCP: "Okay, here...." beepbeepbeepbeepbeep....beepbeepbeepbeepbeep...(I box
in the eighty cents he wants.) "Oh, and here's an extra quarter just
because I like you." beepbeepbeepbeepbeep!
SUPR: "Those aren't real coins, sir. Do you want me to send the police over
there right now?"
RBCP: "Yeah, sure, send the police over here. If I had a nickle for every time
an operator threatened to send the police to me..."
Suddenly, I look up and there's a helicopter overhead with his light shinning
down on me. I turn to run toward's the shopping center but there's a few dozen
men in army fatiges with machine guns running down the side of the hill. So I
turn the other way and three local police cars are sliding to a stop,
surrounding the pay phone. Two FCC vans pull up and about sixteen Illinois Bell
trucks follow close behind and I think, "Man, I'm surrounded. I am fucked!"
I had to destroy the evidence, so I took my modified Radio Shack tone dialer/
red box and swallowed it. After hours of grilling by the police, they finally
let me go because of lack of evidence. Later that week, every employee of
Cincinatti Bell Telephone found that their home phone services no longer
existed. It took them days to fix it all.
MCDS: Thank you for calling McDonald's, May I help you?
RBCP: McYes. I'd like to have a 69 piece McNuggets, a McCoke and two orders of
McFrench fries delivered right Mcnow.
MCDS: We don't deliver, sir.
RBCP: McExcuse me? I'm looking at your McAd in the McPaper and it SAYS right
here in black and mcWhite that you McDeliver.
MCDS: Well, that's some sort of printing mistake or something.
RBCP: This is McRediculous! Let me speak to your McManager!
MCDS: Okay, please hold.
RBCP: McHurry, you McLoser.
The following two phone calls were done on the Oregon Relay Service. This is
service for the deaf where you call up an operator with your computer and
type the number you want to call. The operator will translate what you're
typing to the person who answers the phone, word for word.
OREGON RELAY MAY I HELP YOU? GA
I need to call someone. The number is 503-234-6779 ga
DIALING LOCAL CALL PLS HD RINGING 1 ... ( F) HELLO GA
Ask if they've found Karen yet ga
(EXPLAINING RELAY) UM.. KAREN IS UM.. HAS GONE TO WORK GA
Oh, so she's back home q ga
SHE WILL BE HOME ABOUT 7 00 GA
My name is floyd and I'm a senior citizen I saw a missing child poster on a
phone pole by my house and had a nude picture of her on it. I thought i saw
her but i was wondering if her nipples are really so large q ga
EXCUSE ME GA
I found a poster by my house. Don't think me perverted but i thought i might
be able to identify by her nipples ga
(EXPLAINING RELAY) UM.. THIS IS ABSURD AND U KNOW IM JUST GOING TO HANG UP
NOW (PERSON HUNG UP) OTRS 907F GA OR SK
darn oh well, thanx for trying ga sksk
at+t osd opr 4006 I how can i help you q ga
YES, I NEED A NUMBER IN COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA GA
ma, name of the person and address please q ga
HER NAME IS KAY. GA
last name please ga
I'M NOT SURE OF THAT. JUST TYPE "KAY" AND HIT THE SPACE BAR A COUPLE
OF TIMES GA
ok im sorry i can not find a listing for just a person named kay. do you
have a last name q ga
NO , BUT I HAVE KAY'S FIRST NAME. IT'S KAY. GA
so the name is kay kay q ga
YES, I DON'T KNOW HER LAST NAME. SHE WORKS AT THE CORNER MARKET (KAY'S MARKET)
... ok for a listing in directory assistance the listing is not done by the
first name you need
WELL, IT'S MOSTLY A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD, SO IF YOU LOOK UNDER THE WHITE
DIRECTORY YOU CAN PROBABLY NARROW HER DOWN GA
the listing is not listed by race colour job or any other descrpn ga
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I NEED MORE THAN JUST KAY Q GA
correct you need full name and address for directory asstance to get phone nm
DO I GET A COOKIE FOR BEING CORRECT Q GA
hummmm..... i cant answer that but you might get the phone number you
(I HANG UP ON HER)