The idea below are going to greatly increase the enjoyment of your Wal-Mart shopping experience. You may be saying to yourself, “I can’t do these things, I’ll get in trouble!” Give me a break, just use your head. If you use many of these ideas you’ll get yelled at by a manager and maybe even thrown out of the store. Is this really a loss? However, you should still be responsible when thinking of trying any of the acts below. Running amok around Wal-Mart with a chainsaw may sound like fun but you could end up hurting someone or getting yourself arrested. So use common sense, we can’t be responsible for your stupidity.

APPLIANCES:

AUTOMOTIVE:

  • Practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
  • Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
  • Take one of those round air filters out of the box, put it on your head and declare yourself the king of the automotive department.

BOOKS:
  • In the new releases section, rip out the very last page of the story in each book so the person who reads it will go nuts wondering how it ended.

CHECKOUT LANES:

  • Get a full cart and get in a long check out line and when your next in line act like you forgot something and leave.
  • The credit card machines at the registers have regular cat-5 cables running into them. Rapidly un-plugging and re-plugging them causes the registers to freeze. Re-boots can take take 15-20 minutes.

CHRISTMAS:

  • Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap.

CLOTHING:

  • Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
  • Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
  • Try on bras over top of your clothes.
  • Take the bras to the sewing/fabric department and try them on there. Makes people wonder…
  • Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
  • Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not puting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles
  • Put a pair of panties over your face and run around the store yelling that you’re Spiderman.
  • Steal some latex condoms and when no one is looking, slip them on the hands and over head of mannequins. If you have some milk or any other white fluid on you for some reason, fill up the condom and put it in the the hand hanging out of the fly. Woe to the employee who has to pull that one out.
  • In departments where the shelves are overflowing with clothes or other soft flexible items, stick mannequin arms and legs into the shelves for the look of people caught in the merchandise with various limbs sticking out.

COMPUTERS:
  • On each display computer, check the mouse to see if there’s a mouse ball inside. If there is, take it out and screw the cover back on. Lose these on the floors, throw them at customers or pretend they’re bubble gum.
  • Figure out a way into the display computer’s settings (they’re usually protected) and give their Windows 98 a new “theme” – this would include a new desktop background image (porn!), now sounds (porn!), and maybe some of those new-fangled active desktop links to even more porn. You can bring in porn on a disk.
  • Change the screen saver into the scrolling marquee. The message you put in there is only limited by your imagination.

COSMETICS:

  • Spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign? (giggle).” When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
  • Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs.
  • If they have anything free to try, use it ALL up.

ELECTRONICS:

  • Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals
  • Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn
    the volumes to 10.
  • Re-alphabetize the CD’s.
  • Record a tape or CD with nothing on it for a few minutes. Then after the silence record the most offensive things you can think of such as porn audio clips, profanity, songs with extrememly dirty lyrics, etc. Stick the tape or CD into a stereo, crank up the volume and walk away.
  • By the CDs, put on the headphones and listen to their music, singing along very loudly like you’re doing keraoke. Be really obnoxious about it and if an employee tells you to stop just pretend like you can’t hear or see them because you’re lost in your music.
  • Complain about “Well, if you edit all your CD’s, then why don’t you edit your movies too?” (note – Walmart sells “clean” versions of popular music which means never buy music from Walmart!)
  • -Go up to the clerk and ask LOUDLY where the pornography is, then get VERY angry when they don’t have any. Loudness is the key.
  • Go through every movie on the racks, murmering “seen it… seen it… seen it…” until you either can’t take it anymore or you drive everyone away.
  • Mix up the index cards for the categories of CDs. Do it slowly so that the clerk doesn’t notice, but if you get enough of them all over the CD section, people will be going CRAZY.

FOOD COURT:

  • Get a soft drink, tell them you don’t get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.

FITTING ROOMS:

  • Go into the fitting room and after a minute yell real loud….”Hey we’re out of toilet
    paper in here!”

FLORAL/GARDEN:

  • Take the little packets of seeds and rip the top off of one. Then take another and make a small hole at the top of the packet. Pour the first packet into the second, then make it look like it was never opened. The customer will either think they got a good deal, or they might get really confused in the spring when they get hybrid veggies.
  • Pee in the flowers. If it doesn’t kill them, at least they’ll smell really bad.
  • Have a BIG arrangement of flowers made up then walk off saying “I’ve got some shopping to do, I’ll be back.” Then when they’re done with it, just walk straight past the counter and ignore everything the employee says.
  • Pour salt in the plants.
  • Take packets of seeds and plant them in random pots.
  • Bring marijuana seeds to the store and plant those.
  • You know those little white tabs that they put in all of the plants that have the name of the plant and various watering instructions on them? Switch them around. Although the effects won’t be readily apparent, someone will eventually realize it’s happened and send someone out to fix it. The best part is when the clerk fixing it has no clue what a geranium is.
  • Bring some crushed-up Alka-Seltzer and sprinkle it all over the plants. Next time they water the plants, there’ll be a lot of white foam coming out of them.

GROCERIES:
  • Get some steaks, ground beef and all kinds of other meat from the meat department and put them in your shopping cart. You don’t have a shopping cart? Steal one from that old lady, you can run faster than her. Now find another isle where there’s space underneath the shelves and stuff the meat under there as far back as it’ll go. In a few weeks it’s going to start smelling awfully foul around there. Do this all over the store but hide them good so employees don’t find them. You can also toss them up on top of shelves where they won’t be found for a long time.
  • Limburger cheese, which comes in
    convenient small glass jars, is perfect for hiding the same way as steak/meat/etc. But an even better place to put it is on the same shelves as the candles/aromatheraphy products.
  • First visit the pet department and get all kinds of different pet foods. Then start stocking the pet food alongside the regular foods. Try to match the style and looks of the other foods on the shelf. Like put the cans of cat food next to similar shaped cans in the grocery section. Customers will either be disgusted by the pet food being by the regular food or they’ll not notice and end up eating it when they get home.

HARDWARE:

  • Ask the guy who makes keys if he has the key to your heart.
  • Pick up various tools (saws, hatchets, chainsaws, hedge trimmers) and chase each other all over the store with them at really high speeds.
  • Test out the quality of the bolt cutters by seeing if you can cut the protective sleeves off of CDs.

HOUSEWARES:
  • See how high you can build a paper towel pyramid before being noticed.
  • Build a huge wall in the toilet paper isle out of toilet paper, blocking off access to the isle. (Toilet paper packages are a little more sturdy than paper towels.)
  • Chase people around the store with a toilet seat like you’re a crocodile.

INFANTS:

  • Ask where the black-market baby section is.

JEWLRY:

  • Order a class ring. The employee will have to stand there and ask you questions for what you want on the ring, etc. Then say you changed your mind and leave.

LAYAWAY:

  • Put m&m’s on layaway
  • Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

MEDICAL:

  • Take a big swallow of water and let an alka-seltzer dissolve on your tongue. Make sure to drool lots and fall in the floor and fake convulsions.
  • Construct a bridge across the aisle with band-aids and tongue-depressers.
  • Take a bottle of vitamin-C tablets, mash them up, give yourself a little “snowjob” then walk around acting all paranoid.
  • If they have one of those blood-preassure tester machines, try to stick your head in the cuff and make a big scene when you can’t.
  • Use some tape and rip off all the barcodes off the back of embarassing products like Preparation H, Gas-X, tampons, etc. Rip the price tags off too. That way when someone brings them up to the front, they’ll either have to hike their asses back to find a new one or the store will do a price check over the intercom. Items like these are also a lot of fun to slip
    into people’s carts as they go up front.
  • Take various pieces of mannequins from the clothing department and put them in the cuff of the blood pressure machine.

PARKING LOT:

  • Set up a “Valet Parking” sign out front.
  • Drive around the entrances screaming out the window “the British are coming”
  • POODOLLARS! You take a dollar, smear shit on it and casually drop it outside the doors. Watch as people pick it up thinking they can use it to make 10-10-321 calls and get poo all over their hands.

PETS:
  • Have a goldfish squishing contest. Don’t worry, we have an inside source that tells us Wal-Mart manufactures all of their own goldfish so you’re not really being mean and cruel or anything.
  • Cut holes in the bottom of the kitty litter bags. And the dog food bags. And the cat food bags.
  • Cut a slit into the largest kitty litter bag, put it in your cart and start walking around the store, leaving a trail of kitty litter wherever you go.
  • Scoop a gold fish out of their tank and put them in the oscar tank. The Oscars swallow them whole, minus the head or tail which will hang out of their mouth. (how cute!)
  • Scoop out an Oscar and put it in the gold fish tank. See how many it can eat before it dies.
  • Get some Goldfish brand cheese crackers from the food department and fill up an empty fish tank with them. Be sure to mark a price for them on the tank!

REST ROOMS:

  • Bring merchandise into the rest rooms. Lots of it. You can’t get arrested for shoplifting unless you actually shoplift. So stock all the stalls with the newest CDs, bottles of perfume and other small items that you can easily pocket. Just pack the restroom with merchandise and carts of stuff. The temptation will be too great for some customers and they might actually shoplift the items.
  • Doesn’t the sink area look a little bare? Make it look more like home by taking a bunch of items from housewares and arranging it neatly in the restrooms. Get some bathroom rugs in there, a toothbrush holder, a hair dryer, some of those cute tissue box holders and some Snoopy towels to dry your hands on. Put a scale on the floor and some magazines in each of the stalls.
  • Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

RETURN DESK:

SPORTING GOODS:

  • Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
  • While handling guns ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
  • Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
  • Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
  • Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
  • Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
  • Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
  • Fill up a shopping cart with propane tanks and with a crazy look in your eye, ask an employee where the lighters are.

TOYS:
  • When you see huge stuffed toy dogs on the shelves, rearrage them so some are humping each other and others are laying down getting it from behind and others have their mouth in the crotch of other dogs. It’ll be a huge orgy!
  • Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield
    with G.I. Joe and the X-Men.
  • Ride a display bicycle or scooter through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
  • Crusify a Caggage Patch doll using a jack from the auto department and duct tape from hardware. Kids will love it!
  • Play cowboys and indians with the fake guns and cowboy hats. Run all around the store and “shoot” the customers.
  • Arrange a bunch of motion sensing toys on the floor so they all look at each other. Then activate them all so they’ll never shut up.

MISCELLANEOUS TIPS:

  • Get on a store phone and call up a random department. Pretend that you’re an employee in another department and do whatever it takes to get them pissed off at you. When you’re done, call another department and do the same thing. After awhile all of the employees will be mad at each other.
  • Load up on some free samples of lotion from cosmetics. Then go around the store squirting it on the shopping cart handles and watch the faces of the people who wonder what’s all over their hands.
  • Ride those little electronic kiddie cars at the front of the store.
  • Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him ” I need some tampons!!”
  • While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible “sex and candy”
  • Play with the automatic doors.
  • Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
  • Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
  • As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
  • Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
  • TP as much of the store as possible.
  • Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
  • When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
  • Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
  • Two words: “Marco Polo.”
  • While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
  • Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
  • Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. Find a bottle of Pepsi and bring that along too.
  • Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you
    pick your nose.
  • When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask “Why won’t
    you people leave me alone?”

  • A really fun thing to do at Walmart is to get a cart, and walk around the whole store, filling up your cart with different stuff from all the different departments. The employees laugh at this and think it’s damned funny, because they have to put each individual item away for you.
  • Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
  • Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,”I think we have a code 3 in housewares” and see what happens.
  • Move “CAUTION WET FLOOR” signs to carpet areas.
  • When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again”.
  • Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
  • Switch signs on the men’s and women’s bathrooms.
  • Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible”.
  • Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don’t realize it!
  • Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
  • When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it with out saying a word.
  • Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the store.
  • Hold indoor shopping cart races.
  • When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
  • Play hide n go seek and/or Tag in the aisles. Set boundies and have “bases.” For example a good hiding place might be in the bean bags, third shelf up. Your friend will make a mess, digging through merchandise to find you. Just remember that plain clothes security doesn’t take kindly to guys running at full speed through their store.
  • When you need merchandise from a top shelf, use big balls from the toy isle to knock it off. If you break it, just try again.
  • Get some nice plates, cups and silverware from housewares. Then get a lot of good food from the food section. Sit down at one of those display tables and chairs and have a nice candlelit dinner. Don’t forget to have a nice tablecloth and get some candle holders and candles. And hell, go put on some nice Wal-Mart clothes from menswear. You could really impress a chick with a Wal-Mart dinner like this.
  • Climb on one of those gigantic ladders with the wheels on it and have your friend push you all over the store. You can score extra points by grabbing the hanging signs off of the ceiling as you pass them.
  • One day I saw a kid piss his pants in the midle of the aisle and an employee had to clean it up. So bribe a lot of little kids (with candy from the food department) into pissing all over the floors. Better yet, just whip it out and do it yourself.
  • Bring a megaphone into the store. Pretend that you’re Tom Green.
  • Bring any item into the store and the Wal-Mart “greeter” will have to put a little sticker on your item to show that it’s your item. Now peel the sticker off and put in on something really large such as a propane bar-b-que grill and try to wheel it out of the store. When they stop you point at the sticker as proof that you wheeled that sucker in with you.
  • Fart on the greeters, then LOUDLY blame it on them.
  • Krazy Glue items to the shelves (hell, Krazy Glue packages of Krazy Glue to the shelves – oh, the stinging backhand of irony)
  • Always, ALWAYS ask the greeter where the fetish section is.
  • Walk around with a camera taking pictures of all the Wal-Mart employees. Then, if you’ve got any film left, conspicuously take pictures of the security cameras and/or cash registers.